Had a department meeting yesterday and the assistant asked if we should provide 'treats' for it. This is something we've typically done, and I generally like to have both a 'good' and 'bad' option. I told her to go for it but make sure she bought some fruit or veggies. She came back with two containers of cookies and two of sliced apples. Oh, how I wanted that peanut butter cookie. Oh, how I wanted that entire box of peanut butter cookies! During the meeting, I was grabbing some apples and I could literally smell the cookies and it was so fragrant and inviting and I just kept on with the apples. I didn't have a single cookie. Not even half, or a bite, just apples. I am super proud of myself. I also think I need to tread lightly here.
I'm very excited to have gone this long without sweets, but I'm a little worried that my vigilance will bite me in the ass when I decide that I've had enough deprivation and I binge on cookies or whatever-it-may-be. I'm not sure how to bridge the gap between proudly saying no and feeling resentful that I can't have them. To be clear: I haven't yet felt any real resentment. The cookies smelled delicious yesterday, but the desire to not indulge was stronger, and I only felt proud afterward and not resentful. I suppose the key is reminding myself that I have permission to eat whatever I choose, but that I CHOOSE to eat foods that are good for my body and mind. That way I'm not feeling like I CAN'T have it, but that rather, I WON'T have it.
All this over a peanut butter cookie. Sometimes it's hard to believe how fucked up my relationship with food is.
I hear you!
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