Sadly, one of my very earliest childhood memories was of a neighborhood boy saying these words to me. The memory is very visceral - I remember the dew on the grass and the misty air of a humid summer morning, as I sat on a concrete ledge at my aunt's house. I remember the sting of the question, completely unexpected as we were playing in the yard. I remember the shame that washed over me, as I looked down and stumbled out a stubborn "yeah!" (think of how you'd say the word "duh!") Even then, I knew not to argue, I knew to own it, and this was probably the first time I learned that I needed to get out in front of this. Since then, I've always been one to make fun of my own weight, to be the first one to say it and acknowledge it, so that I don't feel the shame of being caught off guard and called out the way I did that day.
And thus, the path was set. Certainly, I'm not trying to blame this fella for my lifetime of obesity - but I think this experience speaks volumes about how I've always viewed myself and formed my identity. There are more experiences like this - sadly, some of my most shameful memories are things I heard (directly or indirectly) from my parents - and they've all contributed to some pretty fucked up mental images and self-concept issues. All that aside, I do know that the only blame here falls squarely on me. I've wasted half my life (for the most part) not taking care of the one body I've been given, and now I'm at a point where I simply cannot abuse it any longer. I'm nearing forty, and I have two little ones (1 and 3) that I want to see grow up. Quite frankly, I won't be able to do that if I continue down the path I'm on. I will probably die before they graduate high school.
I've done this twice before - lost significant sums of weight - but both times I've managed to fall back into destructive eating patterns and stopped exercising and I've gained the weight back - plus some. I'm not quite sure yet how I intend to make this time around different, but I know that I have to. And I know that I don't have to have it all figured out right away. I've always struggled with that (being flexible and not having absolute certainty at the outset) and I hope to thwart that this time.
I suppose this will do as a sort of introduction post. Tomorrow, I step on the scale for the first time in weeks. I have been avoiding it because I've been binge-ing off and on for about a month. I've been quite destructive and have really gone 'off the reservation' during the holidays. I've been afraid to step up and see just how bad things have gotten. But tomorrow, I will attempt to press the reset button - once again - on my physical and mental health and well-being. I am documenting my journey here, in the hopes that it will keep me accountable and help me to connect with others who have had similar struggles. I hope you will join me as I embark on my third and hopefully final significant attempt at losing this weight, keeping it off, and changing my life for good.
P.S. I'm pretty blunt, sarcastic, and I use 'bad' language frequently. Just warning you. :)
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