PWM

Hubs is having a Superbowl party. I'm not a good sports watcher when my team is in the game. While my team isn't in today's game, Peyton Manning is, and that means I'll be a ball of anxiety. The game hasn't started yet and my stomach is in knots. Good news: less eating when I have an anxious tummy. Better news: I already decided I will not eat for sport today. I am planning on having a leftover barbecued turkey joe and some baked french fries for dinner. I have plenty of points available if I decide to have a taste of something else.

it has to be normal life...

It has been 25 days since I've had sweets. When I decided I'd give them up, I didn't have some grand plan of never eating sweets again. It wasn't like other decisions, where I planned for it weeks in advance, set a quit date, etc. It just kind of happened. And I have sure surprised myself - I really, truly cannot believe I have gone 25 days without them.

So part of me wants to keep the streak going, because why wouldn't I want to continue down that path? How awesome would it be to say that I'd gone 365 days without them? Or even longer? Or that I was refined-sugar-free, as so many successful 'losers' are?

Tonight, I am going to a gathering of my new co-workers. There will be alcohol, and there will be snacks. I'm assuming the snacks won't be pre-measured baggies of almonds or light cheese sticks or mandarin oranges. I have waffled back and forth all day on how to handle it. I know we're having italian beef, so I've pre-tracked that, and I am bringing rum and diet pepsi, which I've also pre-tracked. The rest of it is the wild card. I want this to be live-able. I want to be able to enjoy an evening out, not go crazy overboard, but not be so militant that I can't enjoy myself. At this point in time, I've told myself to do the best I can, track what I can, and not beat myself up over it because this is normal life. Normal life includes Saturday evening get-togethers with my colleagues while my parents watch my kids and I get time to enjoy myself. Normal life shouldn't be black or white.

Tonight will be a good test. It's been 25 days of completely on-plan eating and tracking and being accountable for every bite. And 25 days of no sweets. I'm going to see where the night takes me and report back tomorrow. At the very least, I commit to tracking and being accountable for everything.

Three victories

Three pretty significant victories this weekend. It was my first weekend work trip in awhile, and I prepared ahead to maintain the integrity of my plan. I packed up some clementines, almonds, and goldfish crackers for snacks, and a pouch of oatmeal for breakfast. During the day, I stayed away from the lounge for the most part, but did eat lunch in there (farmhouse salad from Potbelly, pre-tracked and pre-planned) and there was quite a spread. Three different kinds of oreos, brownies, candy, more candy, more cookies, pineapple upside down cake, chips, etc. But there were also fresh veggies. When I got hungry I had a plate of carrots and four tortilla chips with salsa. By the end of the day I hadn't touched anything else, had an on-plan dinner, and easily stayed within my range. Got tons of steps, too.

Yesterday, went with the hubs and two of our friends to watch the Broncos game at a sports bar. All told, we ordered nachos, 36 wings, corn dog nuggets, fish and chips, and a grilled chicken salad with no croutons. Yes, that last one was mine. I also portioned out 1/4 of the nachos, chose the highest points nachos from my tracker, and put them in. I enjoyed the nachos and was full after my salad. I didn't touch anything else. This was a good test for the Superbowl party we'll be hosting in two weeks.

The third victory I had nothing to do with, other than anxiously watching for four hours and feeling my stomach turn as it came down to the last play. But the Broncos beat the Patriots, capping off a really, really nice weekend.

Oh - and no sweets. Today is Day 20.

self talk

Conversation with my husband this morning:

"Should I change my dress?"

"Why?"

"...because I look like a disgusting pile of trash?"

It's almost comical, the way I talk to myself. It would be so much funnier if I didn't really believe it.

the fundamental elements

I really cannot say enough how much inspiration I draw from Sean's blog. I think about that 'fundamental elements stream' every single day. The idea that those fundamental elements, the non-negotiables, are running in the background consistently, while life happens in the foreground, has really helped me to maintain control over my intake. The days are often stressful and rarely go as planned, but that doesn't mean the fundamental elements have to change...

Friday I thought I would take a half day and leave at 1:00. HAH! I left at 6:30 and ended up having to call my parents to go get my boys from daycare. I had a few fires I had to put out at work and they led to larger fires, that were eventually all put out. But when I left, completely mentally drained, I didn't even think about eating garbage. I drove straight to the grocery store, bought a bunch of healthy foods that I'll enjoy cooking and eating, and went home and ate an on-plan meal. Found out the in-laws would be arriving the next day, and they were with us all weekend. Saturday night we went to my favorite pizza place. I had two big bowls of salad with small amounts of dressing, and two slices of thin crust cheese pizza. Yesterday I prepared dinner for everyone (chicken cordon bleu, mashed potatoes, and fresh green beans) and took in a football game without mindless snacking.

The lesson here is that life will ALWAYS be stressful. There will ALWAYS be curve balls. The life stream will rarely go exactly the way I think it will and despite my best efforts, I can't plan it into existence, but I can control the fundamental elements and make them a priority. That shift in mindset has really been a game-changer for me recently.

Oh, did I mention it's day 13 of no sweets?

:)

the valley of temptation

Had a department meeting yesterday and the assistant asked if we should provide 'treats' for it. This is something we've typically done, and I generally like to have both a 'good' and 'bad' option. I told her to go for it but make sure she bought some fruit or veggies. She came back with two containers of cookies and two of sliced apples. Oh, how I wanted that peanut butter cookie. Oh, how I wanted that entire box of peanut butter cookies! During the meeting, I was grabbing some apples and I could literally smell the cookies and it was so fragrant and inviting and I just kept on with the apples. I didn't have a single cookie. Not even half, or a bite, just apples. I am super proud of myself. I also think I need to tread lightly here.

I'm very excited to have gone this long without sweets, but I'm a little worried that my vigilance will bite me in the ass when I decide that I've had enough deprivation and I binge on cookies or whatever-it-may-be. I'm not sure how to bridge the gap between proudly saying no and feeling resentful that I can't have them. To be clear: I haven't yet felt any real resentment. The cookies smelled delicious yesterday, but the desire to not indulge was stronger, and I only felt proud afterward and not resentful. I suppose the key is reminding myself that I have permission to eat whatever I choose, but that I CHOOSE to eat foods that are good for my body and mind. That way I'm not feeling like I CAN'T have it, but that rather, I WON'T have it.

All this over a peanut butter cookie. Sometimes it's hard to believe how fucked up my relationship with food is.

just some thoughts on my day

Today was kind of an 'on tilt' day. My husband drove me to work and we dropped the boys off at daycare on the way. I was late, so I felt like I was playing catch up all day. The worst part was that I left my bag with lunch and snacks in the car, and I didn't want my husband to have to drive all the way back over to work to bring it to me (he offered - which was great - but it would've been like a 45-minute round trip drive.) Instead I went without snacks today (it was that kind of day, anyway) and went out to lunch with my assistant. I went to a place that I could be accountable and had a great meal that I enjoyed. Had dinner out with my husband tonight at Panera - they finally have my beloved french onion soup back! That's two meals out today, the day before my weigh-in. I don't love that all the extra sodium I'm sure I ingested will show up at the scale tomorrow, but I hope it won't matter. And truthfully, I really don't care, because I know I stayed well within my points today, and all week, and I STILL HAVEN'T HAD ANY SWEETS. This is monumental for me. I just can't believe I've gone a whole week without any. That's like...not breathing air for me. I also just feel really positive, in a good mental place right now, and it's been some time since I've felt this kind of internal calm. And that's saying something, because it is a very busy and stressful time at work!

I actually went shopping tonight and enjoyed it. Typically I don't enjoy shopping, especially when I'm as fat as I am right now, but I really tried hard to think forward instead of backward. I also didn't buy any 'I'll fit into this later' clothes - I focused on what makes me look and feel good NOW. That's not usually how I shop, and I came home with lots of great clothes for work.

It'll be another long day tomorrow, but at least my lunch and snacks are already packed and in my car :)



 

The weekends always seem the hardest but I had a great day today. Still haven't had any treats and I didn't feel tempted to graze while home for most of the day. The boys kept me busy and my mind occupied. Even though we have a snowblower, I shoveled the driveway to get in some exercise and so my husband didn't have to do it when he got home from his 12 hour work day. I still ended the day with 10 points left. I thought about having a snack before bed but just didn't feel like it. Hoping this no sweets momentum keeps going!

the mentalist

As a diagnosed obsessive-compulsive, so much of weight loss and my struggle to get it off and keep it off is tied up in my obsessive tendencies and my ability to self-sabotage along the way. I'm sure this is no different than many of the folks in my position. So happy to have stumbled upon Sean's blog as it has thus far been an excellent source of inspiration. He posted something this morning that I completely identified with, which I will paraphrase here. He was discussing the fact that his life felt 'on tilt' the past few days - had to miss work, car issues, didn't feel quite right, and thus was considering postponing his weigh-in. But he realized that just because other areas of his life felt out of whack, he didn't have to lose control of everything. And in fact, that just the opposite would be better. That is, he should keep control of the things he CAN control in order to maintain some stability and perhaps keep a handle on the others.

I love these words:

"This too shall pass. The car will get fixed. I will get back to work. I will feel better. And sacrificing things important to me will not make any of those things happen faster or better.  Maintaining the integrity of the plan is paramount to my success. My non-negotiables can remain stable in my fundamental elements stream even when my life stream experiences instability. This parallel streams philosophy, with life in the foreground and the elements of my recovery running constantly in the background like a computer's anti-virus, has proven to be a monumental perspective shift during the turnaround from relapse/regain."

How great is that? It pretty succinctly sums up the battles in my head. I remember this very clearly during my attempts to quit smoking many years ago. I always felt like the day(s) that I chose to quit smoking were also the most stressful days when everything seemed to go wrong, so I would just give up and smoke until I was having a less stressful day. Isn't that some great junkie logic?

So I'm going to try to remember this parallel streams metaphor as I move forward. One of my biggest issues over the past six months has been a pretty significant life change (promotion at work and major shifting of schedules and responsibilities) and the ensuing battle in my head has been to make excuses - because my normal schedule was thrown off and I was adjusting to new ways of life, I could just eat whatever I wanted and not worry about that part of my life for awhile. Guess what - I still obsessed about what I was eating (only it was planning binges or thinking about where I would eat that day) and I still worried about it - only I worried about how much I was gaining while I was going completely off the rails.

Food update: I had a conversation with my WW leader yesterday about the constant need for 'treats.' Feeling like the meal isn't complete until I've had something sweet to cap it off. I am addicted to sweets, and typically feel the need for them after EVERY meal, even breakfast. So I decided to cut them out. I'm going to attempt to not eat ice cream, pudding, candy, cake, etc. and just stick to fruit for now if I feel the desire for treats. The upside is that I no longer have to hoard my points during the day (I typically would save them up so I could indulge in treats after I put my kids to bed) and I'm looking forward to seeing how much fuller I may feel and how much more I can actually eat during the day. I still need to work on planning and executing that, though - yesterday was a victory in that I had ZERO treats (not even fruit, now that I think about it) and I ate nothing after dinner, but I did end the day with 13 points left over.

Soda update: Complete fail. I had a horrible headache around 2:00 yesterday, and asked my assistant to get me a diet coke while she was out. Had a diet mountain dew with dinner. This one might have to wait awhile, but it was less than I usually drink, and I did drink all my water yesterday, too.

Planning for another no-treats day and reminders to myself that when things get stressful or feel out of whack, I must remember to control what I can - and I am in complete control of what I put in my mouth and how I move my body. I started with a 20-minute exercise video this morning so I'm well on my way.

Start Living

Today is my first day back to my WW meeting in a month. I don't want to do the 'weigh-in of shame' in which I step on the scale and my horrified leader sees a tremendous gain from my last visit. It won't be the first time - I've been spinning my wheels back at WW for a little over a year now. It's time to get serious and be accountable. I'm tired of my weight creeping up, again and again and again. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time. I'm tired of my clothes not fitting anymore - I seriously have a closet full of clothes I can't wait to fit into again. I'm tired of the constant mental battle with myself. I'm tired of being afraid of what I can't do because I'm too fat. 

I've started reading tons of weight-loss blogs for inspiration, motivation, and discipline when I feel the desire to binge. I just read this on one of them and it struck such a chord:

"Now at 36 I need to get it done, get it off, and start living."

I've always said that one of my reasons for losing weight and keeping it off is that I'm tired of living life on the sidelines. I'm ready to get in the game. So - now, at 38, I need to get it done, get it off, and start living. There's a lot to look forward to.

Reset.

I have to say two things. I'm not surprised, and I'm completely disgusted, ashamed, and embarrassed of myself. I weighed thirty pounds less than this just four months ago. I went on vacation for four days that turned into four months of binge eating and not exercising. Clearly I am dealing with some serious food addiction and eating disorder issues. But I have to look forward. I am going to try and remember that today can be the last day that I have to see that number, ever again.

THE PLAN:
I'm continuing with Weight Watchers, despite the fact that they just changed the plan significantly, because I've had tremendous success with it in the past, and I attend a wonderful meeting full of supportive people who have my back. I was jogging 30 minutes three days a week when I fell off four months ago. I think I'll try some YouTube fitness videos I found for obese people - low impact and easy on the knees because they have been bothering me as of late.

I will take measurements tonight after my boys go to bed. I'm going to try to only weigh in once a week, but I'm a chronic weigher so that may be difficult.

I'd like to make time to update this blog a few times a week. Journaling, connecting with others, and reflecting have always had a very positive impact on me.

I went to see a movie with my husband this weekend and there was a cheesy Coke commercial on during the previews. It opened on a teenage boy walking out the door and saying goodbye to his parents. The Dad then said, "I hope her Dad likes him" and the two reminisced on their first date. In that moment, I realized yet again that I may not be here when my boys begin dating if I don't change my life RIGHT NOW. I'm ready. I owe it to them. I owe it to me.

Did you know you're fat?

Sadly, one of my very earliest childhood memories was of a neighborhood boy saying these words to me. The memory is very visceral - I remember the dew on the grass and the misty air of a humid summer morning, as I sat on a concrete ledge at my aunt's house. I remember the sting of the question, completely unexpected as we were playing in the yard. I remember the shame that washed over me, as I looked down and stumbled out a stubborn "yeah!" (think of how you'd say the word "duh!") Even then, I knew not to argue, I knew to own it, and this was probably the first time I learned that I needed to get out in front of this. Since then, I've always been one to make fun of my own weight, to be the first one to say it and acknowledge it, so that I don't feel the shame of being caught off guard and called out the way I did that day.

And thus, the path was set. Certainly, I'm not trying to blame this fella for my lifetime of obesity - but I think this experience speaks volumes about how I've always viewed myself and formed my identity. There are more experiences like this - sadly, some of my most shameful memories are things I heard (directly or indirectly) from my parents - and they've all contributed to some pretty fucked up mental images and self-concept issues. All that aside, I do know that the only blame here falls squarely on me. I've wasted half my life (for the most part) not taking care of the one body I've been given, and now I'm at a point where I simply cannot abuse it any longer. I'm nearing forty, and I have two little ones (1 and 3) that I want to see grow up. Quite frankly, I won't be able to do that if I continue down the path I'm on. I will probably die before they graduate high school.

I've done this twice before - lost significant sums of weight - but both times I've managed to fall back into destructive eating patterns and stopped exercising and I've gained the weight back - plus some. I'm not quite sure yet how I intend to make this time around different, but I know that I have to. And I know that I don't have to have it all figured out right away. I've always struggled with that (being flexible and not having absolute certainty at the outset) and I hope to thwart that this time.

I suppose this will do as a sort of introduction post. Tomorrow, I step on the scale for the first time in weeks. I have been avoiding it because I've been binge-ing off and on for about a month. I've been quite destructive and have really gone 'off the reservation' during the holidays. I've been afraid to step up and see just how bad things have gotten. But tomorrow, I will attempt to press the reset button - once again - on my physical and mental health and well-being. I am documenting my journey here, in the hopes that it will keep me accountable and help me to connect with others who have had similar struggles. I hope you will join me as I embark on my third and hopefully final significant attempt at losing this weight, keeping it off, and changing my life for good.

P.S. I'm pretty blunt, sarcastic, and I use 'bad' language frequently. Just warning you. :)