The weekends always seem the hardest but I had a great day today. Still haven't had any treats and I didn't feel tempted to graze while home for most of the day. The boys kept me busy and my mind occupied. Even though we have a snowblower, I shoveled the driveway to get in some exercise and so my husband didn't have to do it when he got home from his 12 hour work day. I still ended the day with 10 points left. I thought about having a snack before bed but just didn't feel like it. Hoping this no sweets momentum keeps going!

the mentalist

As a diagnosed obsessive-compulsive, so much of weight loss and my struggle to get it off and keep it off is tied up in my obsessive tendencies and my ability to self-sabotage along the way. I'm sure this is no different than many of the folks in my position. So happy to have stumbled upon Sean's blog as it has thus far been an excellent source of inspiration. He posted something this morning that I completely identified with, which I will paraphrase here. He was discussing the fact that his life felt 'on tilt' the past few days - had to miss work, car issues, didn't feel quite right, and thus was considering postponing his weigh-in. But he realized that just because other areas of his life felt out of whack, he didn't have to lose control of everything. And in fact, that just the opposite would be better. That is, he should keep control of the things he CAN control in order to maintain some stability and perhaps keep a handle on the others.

I love these words:

"This too shall pass. The car will get fixed. I will get back to work. I will feel better. And sacrificing things important to me will not make any of those things happen faster or better.  Maintaining the integrity of the plan is paramount to my success. My non-negotiables can remain stable in my fundamental elements stream even when my life stream experiences instability. This parallel streams philosophy, with life in the foreground and the elements of my recovery running constantly in the background like a computer's anti-virus, has proven to be a monumental perspective shift during the turnaround from relapse/regain."

How great is that? It pretty succinctly sums up the battles in my head. I remember this very clearly during my attempts to quit smoking many years ago. I always felt like the day(s) that I chose to quit smoking were also the most stressful days when everything seemed to go wrong, so I would just give up and smoke until I was having a less stressful day. Isn't that some great junkie logic?

So I'm going to try to remember this parallel streams metaphor as I move forward. One of my biggest issues over the past six months has been a pretty significant life change (promotion at work and major shifting of schedules and responsibilities) and the ensuing battle in my head has been to make excuses - because my normal schedule was thrown off and I was adjusting to new ways of life, I could just eat whatever I wanted and not worry about that part of my life for awhile. Guess what - I still obsessed about what I was eating (only it was planning binges or thinking about where I would eat that day) and I still worried about it - only I worried about how much I was gaining while I was going completely off the rails.

Food update: I had a conversation with my WW leader yesterday about the constant need for 'treats.' Feeling like the meal isn't complete until I've had something sweet to cap it off. I am addicted to sweets, and typically feel the need for them after EVERY meal, even breakfast. So I decided to cut them out. I'm going to attempt to not eat ice cream, pudding, candy, cake, etc. and just stick to fruit for now if I feel the desire for treats. The upside is that I no longer have to hoard my points during the day (I typically would save them up so I could indulge in treats after I put my kids to bed) and I'm looking forward to seeing how much fuller I may feel and how much more I can actually eat during the day. I still need to work on planning and executing that, though - yesterday was a victory in that I had ZERO treats (not even fruit, now that I think about it) and I ate nothing after dinner, but I did end the day with 13 points left over.

Soda update: Complete fail. I had a horrible headache around 2:00 yesterday, and asked my assistant to get me a diet coke while she was out. Had a diet mountain dew with dinner. This one might have to wait awhile, but it was less than I usually drink, and I did drink all my water yesterday, too.

Planning for another no-treats day and reminders to myself that when things get stressful or feel out of whack, I must remember to control what I can - and I am in complete control of what I put in my mouth and how I move my body. I started with a 20-minute exercise video this morning so I'm well on my way.

Start Living

Today is my first day back to my WW meeting in a month. I don't want to do the 'weigh-in of shame' in which I step on the scale and my horrified leader sees a tremendous gain from my last visit. It won't be the first time - I've been spinning my wheels back at WW for a little over a year now. It's time to get serious and be accountable. I'm tired of my weight creeping up, again and again and again. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time. I'm tired of my clothes not fitting anymore - I seriously have a closet full of clothes I can't wait to fit into again. I'm tired of the constant mental battle with myself. I'm tired of being afraid of what I can't do because I'm too fat. 

I've started reading tons of weight-loss blogs for inspiration, motivation, and discipline when I feel the desire to binge. I just read this on one of them and it struck such a chord:

"Now at 36 I need to get it done, get it off, and start living."

I've always said that one of my reasons for losing weight and keeping it off is that I'm tired of living life on the sidelines. I'm ready to get in the game. So - now, at 38, I need to get it done, get it off, and start living. There's a lot to look forward to.

Reset.

I have to say two things. I'm not surprised, and I'm completely disgusted, ashamed, and embarrassed of myself. I weighed thirty pounds less than this just four months ago. I went on vacation for four days that turned into four months of binge eating and not exercising. Clearly I am dealing with some serious food addiction and eating disorder issues. But I have to look forward. I am going to try and remember that today can be the last day that I have to see that number, ever again.

THE PLAN:
I'm continuing with Weight Watchers, despite the fact that they just changed the plan significantly, because I've had tremendous success with it in the past, and I attend a wonderful meeting full of supportive people who have my back. I was jogging 30 minutes three days a week when I fell off four months ago. I think I'll try some YouTube fitness videos I found for obese people - low impact and easy on the knees because they have been bothering me as of late.

I will take measurements tonight after my boys go to bed. I'm going to try to only weigh in once a week, but I'm a chronic weigher so that may be difficult.

I'd like to make time to update this blog a few times a week. Journaling, connecting with others, and reflecting have always had a very positive impact on me.

I went to see a movie with my husband this weekend and there was a cheesy Coke commercial on during the previews. It opened on a teenage boy walking out the door and saying goodbye to his parents. The Dad then said, "I hope her Dad likes him" and the two reminisced on their first date. In that moment, I realized yet again that I may not be here when my boys begin dating if I don't change my life RIGHT NOW. I'm ready. I owe it to them. I owe it to me.

Did you know you're fat?

Sadly, one of my very earliest childhood memories was of a neighborhood boy saying these words to me. The memory is very visceral - I remember the dew on the grass and the misty air of a humid summer morning, as I sat on a concrete ledge at my aunt's house. I remember the sting of the question, completely unexpected as we were playing in the yard. I remember the shame that washed over me, as I looked down and stumbled out a stubborn "yeah!" (think of how you'd say the word "duh!") Even then, I knew not to argue, I knew to own it, and this was probably the first time I learned that I needed to get out in front of this. Since then, I've always been one to make fun of my own weight, to be the first one to say it and acknowledge it, so that I don't feel the shame of being caught off guard and called out the way I did that day.

And thus, the path was set. Certainly, I'm not trying to blame this fella for my lifetime of obesity - but I think this experience speaks volumes about how I've always viewed myself and formed my identity. There are more experiences like this - sadly, some of my most shameful memories are things I heard (directly or indirectly) from my parents - and they've all contributed to some pretty fucked up mental images and self-concept issues. All that aside, I do know that the only blame here falls squarely on me. I've wasted half my life (for the most part) not taking care of the one body I've been given, and now I'm at a point where I simply cannot abuse it any longer. I'm nearing forty, and I have two little ones (1 and 3) that I want to see grow up. Quite frankly, I won't be able to do that if I continue down the path I'm on. I will probably die before they graduate high school.

I've done this twice before - lost significant sums of weight - but both times I've managed to fall back into destructive eating patterns and stopped exercising and I've gained the weight back - plus some. I'm not quite sure yet how I intend to make this time around different, but I know that I have to. And I know that I don't have to have it all figured out right away. I've always struggled with that (being flexible and not having absolute certainty at the outset) and I hope to thwart that this time.

I suppose this will do as a sort of introduction post. Tomorrow, I step on the scale for the first time in weeks. I have been avoiding it because I've been binge-ing off and on for about a month. I've been quite destructive and have really gone 'off the reservation' during the holidays. I've been afraid to step up and see just how bad things have gotten. But tomorrow, I will attempt to press the reset button - once again - on my physical and mental health and well-being. I am documenting my journey here, in the hopes that it will keep me accountable and help me to connect with others who have had similar struggles. I hope you will join me as I embark on my third and hopefully final significant attempt at losing this weight, keeping it off, and changing my life for good.

P.S. I'm pretty blunt, sarcastic, and I use 'bad' language frequently. Just warning you. :)