the mentalist

As a diagnosed obsessive-compulsive, so much of weight loss and my struggle to get it off and keep it off is tied up in my obsessive tendencies and my ability to self-sabotage along the way. I'm sure this is no different than many of the folks in my position. So happy to have stumbled upon Sean's blog as it has thus far been an excellent source of inspiration. He posted something this morning that I completely identified with, which I will paraphrase here. He was discussing the fact that his life felt 'on tilt' the past few days - had to miss work, car issues, didn't feel quite right, and thus was considering postponing his weigh-in. But he realized that just because other areas of his life felt out of whack, he didn't have to lose control of everything. And in fact, that just the opposite would be better. That is, he should keep control of the things he CAN control in order to maintain some stability and perhaps keep a handle on the others.

I love these words:

"This too shall pass. The car will get fixed. I will get back to work. I will feel better. And sacrificing things important to me will not make any of those things happen faster or better.  Maintaining the integrity of the plan is paramount to my success. My non-negotiables can remain stable in my fundamental elements stream even when my life stream experiences instability. This parallel streams philosophy, with life in the foreground and the elements of my recovery running constantly in the background like a computer's anti-virus, has proven to be a monumental perspective shift during the turnaround from relapse/regain."

How great is that? It pretty succinctly sums up the battles in my head. I remember this very clearly during my attempts to quit smoking many years ago. I always felt like the day(s) that I chose to quit smoking were also the most stressful days when everything seemed to go wrong, so I would just give up and smoke until I was having a less stressful day. Isn't that some great junkie logic?

So I'm going to try to remember this parallel streams metaphor as I move forward. One of my biggest issues over the past six months has been a pretty significant life change (promotion at work and major shifting of schedules and responsibilities) and the ensuing battle in my head has been to make excuses - because my normal schedule was thrown off and I was adjusting to new ways of life, I could just eat whatever I wanted and not worry about that part of my life for awhile. Guess what - I still obsessed about what I was eating (only it was planning binges or thinking about where I would eat that day) and I still worried about it - only I worried about how much I was gaining while I was going completely off the rails.

Food update: I had a conversation with my WW leader yesterday about the constant need for 'treats.' Feeling like the meal isn't complete until I've had something sweet to cap it off. I am addicted to sweets, and typically feel the need for them after EVERY meal, even breakfast. So I decided to cut them out. I'm going to attempt to not eat ice cream, pudding, candy, cake, etc. and just stick to fruit for now if I feel the desire for treats. The upside is that I no longer have to hoard my points during the day (I typically would save them up so I could indulge in treats after I put my kids to bed) and I'm looking forward to seeing how much fuller I may feel and how much more I can actually eat during the day. I still need to work on planning and executing that, though - yesterday was a victory in that I had ZERO treats (not even fruit, now that I think about it) and I ate nothing after dinner, but I did end the day with 13 points left over.

Soda update: Complete fail. I had a horrible headache around 2:00 yesterday, and asked my assistant to get me a diet coke while she was out. Had a diet mountain dew with dinner. This one might have to wait awhile, but it was less than I usually drink, and I did drink all my water yesterday, too.

Planning for another no-treats day and reminders to myself that when things get stressful or feel out of whack, I must remember to control what I can - and I am in complete control of what I put in my mouth and how I move my body. I started with a 20-minute exercise video this morning so I'm well on my way.