PWM

Hubs is having a Superbowl party. I'm not a good sports watcher when my team is in the game. While my team isn't in today's game, Peyton Manning is, and that means I'll be a ball of anxiety. The game hasn't started yet and my stomach is in knots. Good news: less eating when I have an anxious tummy. Better news: I already decided I will not eat for sport today. I am planning on having a leftover barbecued turkey joe and some baked french fries for dinner. I have plenty of points available if I decide to have a taste of something else.

it has to be normal life...

It has been 25 days since I've had sweets. When I decided I'd give them up, I didn't have some grand plan of never eating sweets again. It wasn't like other decisions, where I planned for it weeks in advance, set a quit date, etc. It just kind of happened. And I have sure surprised myself - I really, truly cannot believe I have gone 25 days without them.

So part of me wants to keep the streak going, because why wouldn't I want to continue down that path? How awesome would it be to say that I'd gone 365 days without them? Or even longer? Or that I was refined-sugar-free, as so many successful 'losers' are?

Tonight, I am going to a gathering of my new co-workers. There will be alcohol, and there will be snacks. I'm assuming the snacks won't be pre-measured baggies of almonds or light cheese sticks or mandarin oranges. I have waffled back and forth all day on how to handle it. I know we're having italian beef, so I've pre-tracked that, and I am bringing rum and diet pepsi, which I've also pre-tracked. The rest of it is the wild card. I want this to be live-able. I want to be able to enjoy an evening out, not go crazy overboard, but not be so militant that I can't enjoy myself. At this point in time, I've told myself to do the best I can, track what I can, and not beat myself up over it because this is normal life. Normal life includes Saturday evening get-togethers with my colleagues while my parents watch my kids and I get time to enjoy myself. Normal life shouldn't be black or white.

Tonight will be a good test. It's been 25 days of completely on-plan eating and tracking and being accountable for every bite. And 25 days of no sweets. I'm going to see where the night takes me and report back tomorrow. At the very least, I commit to tracking and being accountable for everything.

Three victories

Three pretty significant victories this weekend. It was my first weekend work trip in awhile, and I prepared ahead to maintain the integrity of my plan. I packed up some clementines, almonds, and goldfish crackers for snacks, and a pouch of oatmeal for breakfast. During the day, I stayed away from the lounge for the most part, but did eat lunch in there (farmhouse salad from Potbelly, pre-tracked and pre-planned) and there was quite a spread. Three different kinds of oreos, brownies, candy, more candy, more cookies, pineapple upside down cake, chips, etc. But there were also fresh veggies. When I got hungry I had a plate of carrots and four tortilla chips with salsa. By the end of the day I hadn't touched anything else, had an on-plan dinner, and easily stayed within my range. Got tons of steps, too.

Yesterday, went with the hubs and two of our friends to watch the Broncos game at a sports bar. All told, we ordered nachos, 36 wings, corn dog nuggets, fish and chips, and a grilled chicken salad with no croutons. Yes, that last one was mine. I also portioned out 1/4 of the nachos, chose the highest points nachos from my tracker, and put them in. I enjoyed the nachos and was full after my salad. I didn't touch anything else. This was a good test for the Superbowl party we'll be hosting in two weeks.

The third victory I had nothing to do with, other than anxiously watching for four hours and feeling my stomach turn as it came down to the last play. But the Broncos beat the Patriots, capping off a really, really nice weekend.

Oh - and no sweets. Today is Day 20.

self talk

Conversation with my husband this morning:

"Should I change my dress?"

"Why?"

"...because I look like a disgusting pile of trash?"

It's almost comical, the way I talk to myself. It would be so much funnier if I didn't really believe it.

the fundamental elements

I really cannot say enough how much inspiration I draw from Sean's blog. I think about that 'fundamental elements stream' every single day. The idea that those fundamental elements, the non-negotiables, are running in the background consistently, while life happens in the foreground, has really helped me to maintain control over my intake. The days are often stressful and rarely go as planned, but that doesn't mean the fundamental elements have to change...

Friday I thought I would take a half day and leave at 1:00. HAH! I left at 6:30 and ended up having to call my parents to go get my boys from daycare. I had a few fires I had to put out at work and they led to larger fires, that were eventually all put out. But when I left, completely mentally drained, I didn't even think about eating garbage. I drove straight to the grocery store, bought a bunch of healthy foods that I'll enjoy cooking and eating, and went home and ate an on-plan meal. Found out the in-laws would be arriving the next day, and they were with us all weekend. Saturday night we went to my favorite pizza place. I had two big bowls of salad with small amounts of dressing, and two slices of thin crust cheese pizza. Yesterday I prepared dinner for everyone (chicken cordon bleu, mashed potatoes, and fresh green beans) and took in a football game without mindless snacking.

The lesson here is that life will ALWAYS be stressful. There will ALWAYS be curve balls. The life stream will rarely go exactly the way I think it will and despite my best efforts, I can't plan it into existence, but I can control the fundamental elements and make them a priority. That shift in mindset has really been a game-changer for me recently.

Oh, did I mention it's day 13 of no sweets?

:)

the valley of temptation

Had a department meeting yesterday and the assistant asked if we should provide 'treats' for it. This is something we've typically done, and I generally like to have both a 'good' and 'bad' option. I told her to go for it but make sure she bought some fruit or veggies. She came back with two containers of cookies and two of sliced apples. Oh, how I wanted that peanut butter cookie. Oh, how I wanted that entire box of peanut butter cookies! During the meeting, I was grabbing some apples and I could literally smell the cookies and it was so fragrant and inviting and I just kept on with the apples. I didn't have a single cookie. Not even half, or a bite, just apples. I am super proud of myself. I also think I need to tread lightly here.

I'm very excited to have gone this long without sweets, but I'm a little worried that my vigilance will bite me in the ass when I decide that I've had enough deprivation and I binge on cookies or whatever-it-may-be. I'm not sure how to bridge the gap between proudly saying no and feeling resentful that I can't have them. To be clear: I haven't yet felt any real resentment. The cookies smelled delicious yesterday, but the desire to not indulge was stronger, and I only felt proud afterward and not resentful. I suppose the key is reminding myself that I have permission to eat whatever I choose, but that I CHOOSE to eat foods that are good for my body and mind. That way I'm not feeling like I CAN'T have it, but that rather, I WON'T have it.

All this over a peanut butter cookie. Sometimes it's hard to believe how fucked up my relationship with food is.

just some thoughts on my day

Today was kind of an 'on tilt' day. My husband drove me to work and we dropped the boys off at daycare on the way. I was late, so I felt like I was playing catch up all day. The worst part was that I left my bag with lunch and snacks in the car, and I didn't want my husband to have to drive all the way back over to work to bring it to me (he offered - which was great - but it would've been like a 45-minute round trip drive.) Instead I went without snacks today (it was that kind of day, anyway) and went out to lunch with my assistant. I went to a place that I could be accountable and had a great meal that I enjoyed. Had dinner out with my husband tonight at Panera - they finally have my beloved french onion soup back! That's two meals out today, the day before my weigh-in. I don't love that all the extra sodium I'm sure I ingested will show up at the scale tomorrow, but I hope it won't matter. And truthfully, I really don't care, because I know I stayed well within my points today, and all week, and I STILL HAVEN'T HAD ANY SWEETS. This is monumental for me. I just can't believe I've gone a whole week without any. That's like...not breathing air for me. I also just feel really positive, in a good mental place right now, and it's been some time since I've felt this kind of internal calm. And that's saying something, because it is a very busy and stressful time at work!

I actually went shopping tonight and enjoyed it. Typically I don't enjoy shopping, especially when I'm as fat as I am right now, but I really tried hard to think forward instead of backward. I also didn't buy any 'I'll fit into this later' clothes - I focused on what makes me look and feel good NOW. That's not usually how I shop, and I came home with lots of great clothes for work.

It'll be another long day tomorrow, but at least my lunch and snacks are already packed and in my car :)